Oh So Tall Yet So Unwise
by Red Witch
Summary: Red and Purple have a conversation while looking over Zim's latest gift.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters is looking at a giraffe or something. Just some madness that came into my mind that isn't going anywhere. MADNESS! **

**Oh So Tall Yet So Unwise**

"What are these things again?" Purple made a face and pointed at a picture in a book.

"They're called elephants. For crying out loud Purple the caption is right there! Your universal reading translator is working right?" Red snapped.

"Of course it is," Purple humphed. "What kind of creature is **that?** It looks like somebody pulled the nose and ears of a Snorkbeast really tightly and really long!"

"Well that's what an elephant is apparently," Red frowned as he looked at the book. "This sea creature called a blue whale is supposedly even bigger. It has the capacity of eating entire cities yet it only feeds on microscopic creatures. Fascinating."

"Wait, a creature that big…Only feeds on teeny tiny things so small even we can't see them?" Purple blinked.

"They are so small even Zim would have trouble seeing them," Red scoffed. "You know, at first I was skeptical at Zim's gift of these books detailing life on that planet he's on. But I have to admit for once Zim came through. Our scientists should study these things. This information is fascinating!"

"Provided they're real," Purple humphed. "I mean how do we know Zim didn't just make these books up to make us think he was doing actual work on that planet?"

"Come on Red. Even Zim isn't that crazy," Red rolled his eyes. "Whoa! Look at the neck on this creature! A Gir-affe!"

"It's so tall! How can these creatures be taller than us?" Purple gasped. "When Zim told us that the humans were tall that was unbelievable enough but **this?** Nearly every creature in this book is taller or as tall as **we** are! It boggles the mind! How can there be so many tall creatures on one planet?"

"Of course it's possible for tall creatures to exist on unknown planets," Red told him. "Have you forgotten there's a whole ton of them on Perkins 3, the zoo planet?"

"The fact that so many creatures are taller than us! It's frightening!" Purple gasped. "What if the population finds out about this? What if Zim does something mad and tries to replace us as the Tallest with these creatures?"

"Monsters don't count," Red gave him a look. "They're just dumb animals with no sentient thought other than thinking about food."

"It could happen!" Purple put his hands on his hips. "And what's wrong with just thinking about food?"

"The point is that it can't happen," Red told him.

"Yes it could happen!" Purple said.

"No it couldn't," Red told him.

"Could too!"

"Could not!"

"Could too!"

"Could not!"

"It could too times infinity!" Purple yelled.

"Will you listen to yourself? It only counts when Irkens are tall! We are the tallest sentient creatures in the universe!" Red snapped.

"What about the Kreen?" Purple asked. "Those guys are tall."

"One, the Kreen have their own home world in the middle of some kind of black hole thingy," Red patiently explained. "Which wise Tallest Miyuki cordoned off from the rest of the universe a long time ago. So nobody knows about them except us Tallest and a few advisors. And second, they aren't Irkens! They're not even green! They're purple! Not a threat!"

"What about the Blorchmars?" Purple asked. "Those guys are big!"

"Big yellow fat stupid aliens with one eye also don't count," Red said. "Miyuki also conquered their world a long time ago. In fact anybody slightly taller than us has already either been conquered or shunned away to some remote corner of the galaxy where nobody has a clue what they are!"

"Right. I knew that," Purple nodded.

"Only Irkens count as Tallest. And ever since we killed off that other guy nobody has come close to our height," Red explained.

"Well what about our soldiers? Some of them are pretty tall!" Purple said.

"That's because they're bred to be taller than the general population in order to better conquer other planets!" Red snapped. "Besides members of the soldier class aren't even allowed to become Tallest! And most of them wouldn't take the job even if they were offered it because they don't like working at a desk!"

"Oh right," Purple nodded. "Why aren't they allowed?"

"I dunno. They just aren't. Maybe because their tallness isn't considered natural for some reason," Red shrugged. "But nobody's ever challenged it and the soldiers are programmed from birth to be loyal to the Tallest. So every soldier that has ever existed prefers to follow our orders instead of giving them."

"Oh, so we have nothing to worry about?"

"Unless Zim somehow gets a growth spurt in the middle of the night, no," Red told him.

"Why did you **say** that? Now I'm gonna have nightmares!" Purple wailed.

"Purple, we've had this discussion before too. I know some Irkens are late bloomers but not even Zim is that late a bloomer and even if he was he's so short he could never get tall enough to become Tallest," Red was getting impatient. "Let's get back to the books shall we?"

"All right. Paper books…So…Primitive…" Purple sniffed at the books in front of him.

"Well what do you expect from a bunch of savages that don't even have hyperspace capabilities yet?" Red snorted. "Just because a non-Irken is tall doesn't mean it's smart!"

"AAAH! IT ATTACKED ME!" Purple jumped back and waved one of his fingers around. "The book attacked me!"

"Then again…Sometimes even a tall Irken isn't **that **smart," Red grumbled under his breath.

"THE EVIL BOOK ATTACKED ME!" Purple ran around screaming. "ZIM'S STUPID BOOK ATTACKED ME! AAAAHHH!"

"My Tallest!" Two guards ran in, weapons ready. "What's wrong?"

"It's all right. Purple's just over reacting," Red waved to the guards.

"I'm not over reacting! I'm bleeding to death!" Purple wailed.

"You are **not!**" Red snapped.

"Shall we get the medics?" One guard asked.

"YES!" Purple yelled.

"NO!" Red yelled at the same time. Noting the guard's confusion he pressed on. "I can handle this. If we need you we'll call."

"Why can't you get the medics?" Purple whined as the guards left.

"For crying out loud. You are **not** bleeding. Well not that much anyway. I've heard of this injury. It's called a **paper cut**," Red snorted as he looked it over. "It's not even serious! But it is one of the hazards our ancestors endured before they became technologically advanced."

"How did you learn about something like this?" Purple whined.

"I had a double military certification in Irken History and Medicine, remember?" Red gave him a look. "While you were goofing around the snack bar I was studying books very similar to these in the archives."

He touched his belt which had several hidden pockets and pulled out a small spray. "Here. Just put on some healing spray and you'll be fine. Now that I recall, I've had a couple of these myself. It's no big deal."

"Red! You never told me you were wounded," Purple gasped.

"It was hardly a disfiguring wound by any stretch of the imagination," Red snorted. "There. All better."

"It **is** all better," Purple stretched his finger. "Thanks Red!"

"You're welcome," Red snorted as he put the spray away. "As I said before during my training I had access to the archives where a lot of these are stored. And when we became Tallest I went to the secret archives to read even more of these books. You should read them."

"No thank you. **One** book is enough for me," Purple snorted. "Give me a nice safe data pad any day of the week!"

"Despite the perils and dangers books are worth looking at," Red rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. There's a lot of interesting stuff in them. Especially the ones in the secret archives."

"Like what?" Purple's interest was peaked.

"Like a lot of juicy scandals and secrets," Red grinned.

"Oh! Tell me! Tell me!" Purple squealed. "Come on Red! Tell me! Like what?"

"Well…" Red looked around. He leaned in closer. "Like some of the secrets of the previous Tallest and other leaders."

"Oooh! Secrets! Tell me! I love a juicy piece of gossip!" Purple begged. "Come on Red, don't keep me in suspense."

"Okay but this doesn't go any further than the two of us," Red said. "Promise?"

"Of course! You know I can keep a secret! Tell me!" Purple nodded.

"Okay. Let's just say that some of the former Tallest…Weren't tall," Red smirked.

"Say Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" Purple blinked.

"It was between the Ancient Hive Queens Era and the beginning of the Early Empire Period," Red told him. "Very early in the Empire to be exact. Early enough for some of the Tallest to pretend they were taller than they really were."

"Pretend? You mean…?" Purple gasped.

"Stood on stilts? Yup," Red nodded.

"Who?" Purple gasped.

"Zork The Conqueror," Red said triumphantly.

"No!" Purple gasped.

"Yes!" Red smirked. "The very **first** Tallest of the Irken Empire was actually short."

"How short?" Purple asked. "I mean…We're not talking Zim short are we?"

"Oh of course not!" Red scoffed. "Let's give our ancestor **some **credit! He was no bigger than most invaders of today. But he wore stilts whenever he was in public. In fact that's why we Tallest wear our ceremonial robes of today. Back then he made them up to hide the stilts."

"Oooooh! Scandalous!" Purple twittered.

"See? History can be interesting," Red grinned. "You really should go down to the archives and check them out. They're really fascinating."

"And no one caught on?" Purple asked.

"No one until a few Tallest after Zork," Red said. "Tallest Ven accidentally fell asleep during a parade and fell off of his stilts. That's when they started the stretching ritual, in order to make sure the Tallest weren't hiding their height. Well that and to punish Ven. But when Ven survived and actually became tall…"

"Ah I see…" Purple nodded. "Next time you go down there maybe I will come with you?"

"It'd be better for you than those stupid puppet shows you go to," Red grunted.

"Hey! I thought you **liked** puppet shows?" Purple huffed.

"Eh, I used to but they've kind of lost their edge to me," Red sighed. "I feel like I've outgrown them."

"Red! That's…You think you know a guy!" Purple was gasped. "The next thing you'll be telling me is that you don't like torturing shorties anymore!"

"Whoa! Let's not get carried away!" Red held up his hands. "I am never going to get tired of that! I just find other things more stimulating than puppet shows. That's all."

"Like what?" Purple put his hands on his hips.

"Like oh almost anything else!" Red snapped.

"You know you can be a real snob sometimes!" Purple snapped.

"At least I have taste!" Red snapped. "And for more than stupid donuts!"

"Donuts are **not** stupid!" Purple snapped. "At least they're better than chips!"

"Chips are better than donuts!" Red snarled.

"No they're not!" Purple snapped. "Chips are stupid!"

"You're stupid!" Red snapped.

"No, you are!" Purple snapped back.

"No! **You** are!"

"**You** are!"

"Why I thought having you as a co-ruler was a good idea is beyond me!" Red yelled.

"Well it hasn't exactly been all pie and ice cream with you around either!" Purple snapped back. "Ever since we were smeets you always have been pushing me around!"

"That's because if I didn't push nothing would get done!" Red yelled back.

"Oh I'm the slow one is that what you're saying Red?"

"Figure it out Purple. I've been saying that for years and only just now you've heard what I said!"

"Oh really!" Purple yelled.

"Really!"

"That's what you think is it?"

"That is definitely what I think!"

"Well you are…You are…"

"Go ahead Purple what am I?"

"You're as stupid as **Zim!**"

"No, you're as stupid as **Zim!"**

Both gasped and put their hands over their mouths. Then they looked very sad and ashamed. "We went too far…" Red admitted.

"Yeah…" Purple nodded. "Red…"

"Purple…"

"I'm sorry!" Both sobbed and hugged each other.

"I hate it when we fight," Purple sniffed.

"Me too," Red nodded. "I'm sorry I called donuts stupid."

"I'm sorry I called chips stupid," Purple said.

"And I really do still like puppet shows but…I don't want people thinking that I like them because…Well you know how snobbish some of our advisors and our generals can be."

"Red, we're the freaking Tallest. If we like puppet shows, we get puppet shows," Purple gave him a look. "And if anybody says anything about it, we shoot them out of a cannon!"

"You're right Purple. Why should I care what anyone else thinks as long as I'm happy?" Red nodded. "You know this is why I'm glad to have you by my side. You always cheer me up and make me feel better!"

"And I'm glad I'm with you Red! You're really smart and you know how to get stuff done," Purple nodded.

"That's why we're together as best friends! We balance each other perfectly to make one perfect glorious empire!" Red was proud. "We shouldn't fight. Why did we fight in the first place?"

"I dunno one minute we were talking about…" Purple looked at the books. "ZIM!"

"Oh of course!" Red realized. "I should have known. Anything Zim touches causes disaster even when he doesn't mean it."

"We should burn these books before they cause any more trouble," Purple said.

"Good idea," Red agreed. "From now on no more stupid gifts from Zim!"

Then there was an alarm. "Package from Earth!" The computer spoke. The personal transporter in the Tallests' room hummed to life revealing a huge package.

"Oh I have a bad feeling about this," Red moaned.

The package moved and shook back and forth until it broke free. In the package was a huge yellow creature with a very long neck and brown spots. "What is that?" Purple gasped.

"It's that giraffe thing," Red realized what it was.

"Whoa…That **is** tall!" Purple gasped. "I'm gonna ride it!"

"Purple! Wait! Don't!" Red warned.

"I'm gonna ride the tall giraffe!" Purple used his personal jet pack to hover over to the giraffe's back and prepared to land on it.

"Purple, that is a bad idea!" Red said.

"Red, it's okay! It's just a dumb creature that only thinks of food!" Purple grinned. "We are the Tallest! We are the most intelligent creatures in the universe! When have we ever made a mistake?"

Then he landed on the back. The giraffe made a noise and bucked. "AAAAAH!" Purple hung on for dear life as the creature bucked and ran around the small room, wrecking everything.

"Oh I can think of one example," Red grumbled.


End file.
